Reflections on the eve of Justin’s Birthday 2015
Thanks for the gifts and for being present…
When time elapses for each waking hour, day, month, year, holiday or any major milestone—without Justin within our reach, Darrell and I still look at each other in pure disbelief and say; Is this for real? Is this forever? Unfortunately, the answers are, Yes it is for real and Yes it is forever.
But fortunately, because of our village of friends, who constantly seem to hold us up, we are grateful for your listening ears, and the many unexpected gifts we receive. The main one being your presence. These gifts come in a variety of ways. They include verbal or written words of remembrance, or reflections or personal changes that individual’s see when they teach, work, shop, study, vacation, sing, smile, play, listen, or even help someone. The pictures of the worldly travels with the JCWWP luggage tags are breathtaking, Sometimes I wished that I could stow away on the ventures with people. They all have special meaning and are the things that make it easy enough for us to still rise out of bed (most days) and plant our feet on the ground and just try and do what Justin would want us to do. So thank you. Thanks for the gifts and for being present in our life. Following are some of the wonderful gifts that are apropos as we once again celebrate the birth of Justin.
The Gift of Words…Expressions from a Day Camp Counselor
When Justin was 4 years old, he started attending his first day camp—Summerkids An old-fashioned summer camp nestled in the in hills of Altadena, mere minutes from our home. They believe in the power of play and the spirit of fun. He attended until he was 10 years old and he loved each and every day. So, this past summer, I came across this letter we received from his camp counselor that is worth sharing. We could only picture Justin in action and the picture speaks for itself. The words (gift) from a stranger brought joy to our hearts.
“Dear Mr. & Mrs. Carr,
I was sadden to hear of Justin’s passing. I knew him many years ago when I was his counselor at Summerkids Camp. When I saw his photograph on the news, I immediately recognized the bright eyes, and sweet smile of the camper I once knew. He was charming, lovable, funny and oh so talented. I clearly remember a moment when he got up on the little wooden stage and in front of the entire campfire and sang the Jackson 5’s “ I want you back”. He captured the crowd. I shared the news with several friends; also former counselors and everyone remembered him. I’d like to say that we’d remember every camper who shared our summers, but it’s just not the case. Your son however was one of those campers-the unforgettable ones. I know you know this already, so the real reason I’m writing is to let you know that there are a few more people out there remembering Justin with you. He touched our lives in the brief time that we knew him. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and Justin’s friends.”
The gift of Friendship…A change in vacation plans
A timely visit with a friend from the Past
It was a late night FB message from my FB friend Lisa. I had not seen or heard from her since we graduated in 8th grade. The message read something like this: “Susie, I am on my way down to stay in Venice Beach. How far are you from there? Maybe, we could meet?” I rushed to respond and told her that we would actually be in the area the following afternoon in support of our friends Mary and Jay Faganano as they celebrate the anniversary their son Nick’s passing and “Thrive in the Joy” as his life continues to impact others. The next day, my anticipation for seeing Lisa was intense. Since we still looked the same as we did in 8th grade (lol) it was were easy to spot each other . Lisa saw me. I saw her. We darted towards each other and we hugged, cried and would not let each other go. Darrell patiently watched us. The thought that Lisa was eager to spend her vacation day with us at such an emotional occasion was profound. But she gets it. She felt a deep empathetic connected with both families. She said I have only one son and she could not even remotely imagine what it would feel like to lose him. But, she was a fearless warrior and she embraced the moment and was truly honored to be there. Now how many people would give up a Beach vacation to attend a memorial event for a stranger??? Lisa would and she did. This is a gift of pure unconditional empathy and love.
Mom’s who love their boys
The gift of action…College Life; Choosing Passion vs. Prestige
I must say that our only chance for thinking about what college life might have been like for Justin is by living vicariously through contact with his peers. Following, is part of a cursory interface that I had with one of Justin’s dear friends this summer. She gets the Gold Medal Award for Excellence!! Hands down!! She adamantly told me: ” I want you to know that people will never loose sight of Justin or his impact and imprint that he made in our lives. His reach is beyond the walls of Harvard Westlake. You know, I have always been an introvert. But this year I decided that since Justin could not go to college, I would take on the super traits ofJustin. So from day one at college, I did just what Justin would have done the first weeks of school. I met everybody. I helped people in need. and I introduced myself by stating my name and my passions. When some of my classmates responded with the ordinary answer: “ Hi my name is Michael and I am majoring in Economics and Finance!” I would respond to them and say: “ This does not tell me anything about who you are as a person, or what you are interested in …” It made them start questioning themselves and their disconnected drive for academic success. By the end of the school year, so many of my friends thanked me for helping them see the light or picking them up when they literally fell. Like me, many of my friends also changed their majors to what “they” wanted to do, not what their “parents” wanted them to be!! I told them to “Thank Justin, don’t thank me…”
This realization was a huge gift of knowledge
A thoughtful gift…A chance visit to the International Peace Park
This past Friday, our friend gave us a memento he purchased on his summer vacation. Fighting back his emotion, he told us that usually, he and his wife travel East to visit the grandchildren. However, this summer, they found themselves (in a round about way) touring the Waterton Glacier International Peace Park in Montana. It was designated In 1932 when the Waterton Lakes National Park (Alberta, Canada) was combined with the Glacier National Park (Montana, United States) to form the world’s first International Peace Park. At the time of inscription, the Peace Park commemorated the peace and goodwill our two nations share. He said that when he saw this fragile gift, a turquoise origami crane, it reminded him so much of the spirit of Justin that he had to figure out how they could carefully packed it to assure that it would not get crushed. Well their method worked. What a prize peace of art.
The card attached to the crane stated:
“ I will write peace on your wings and fly all over the world” Sadako Sasaki. Jim said that he could not leave that store without getting it!! He said it had Justin written all over it.
Ironically, this is the same quote that Felicia (artist extraordinaire) inscribed on a mosaic farme that she created for us.
In case you don’t know the story behind the International Peace Crane is:
As noted in wikipedia “Sadako Sasaki (佐々木 禎子 Sasaki Sadako?, January 7, 1943 – October 25, 1955) was a Japanese girl who was two years old when the American atomic bomb Little Boy was dropped on August 6, 1945, near her home next to the Misasa Bridge in Hiroshima, Japan. Her Grandma rushed back to the house and was never to be seen again. Sadako is remembered through the story of a thousand origami cranes before her death, and is to this day a symbol of innocent victims of war.”
The gift of dedication…A Message from the Stage Manager and Producer
When Kat first invited me to come see the off Broadway musical production of the Last Five Years that she was producing and stage-managing, I was hesitant. Justin and Kat were two close thespian comrades, who supported each other in high school. I did not think that I could handle it. But through the encouragement of my cousin Colleen we went and saw the fabulous musical production. The story explored a five-year relationship between a couple. After the show, before Kat spoke to anyone else, she sourced me through the crowd ran over in tears and said, “ So what do you think? I did it for
Justin. I was so overtaken with emotion but I managed to say:”Well Kat, you know what I thought, it was a “10”!!! Justin would be proud and always thought that you will soar.”
Look at the dedication for Justin that was written on the playbill… Too much.
The dedication is:
“play/ground theatre is proud to present The Last Five Years with the generous support of The Justin Carr Wants World Peace Foundation ( www.justincarrwantsworldpeace.org)
“Justin Carr was a beautiful, promising, young 16-year old whose life was cut short on February 22, 2013 when he died during a swimming workout ( from an undiagnosed heart condition ) at Harvard-Westlake School in Studio City, California.
Justin’s greatest wish was for World Peace. With a myriad of passions and talents, he loved to draw, sing, act, and dance; to write poetry, to design buildings, to create enthusiasm, and to lead and orchestrate. He was passionate about visual and performing arts, with plans to explore Architecture, Technical Theatre Design, and Art History in college. Justin was kind, passionate, and committed to participating in the creation of powerful, honest art. He was humble, patient, and vibrant. He always saw the best in others, rooted for the underdog and stood up for the lonely. He was a connector, full of understanding and empathy.
Justin Carr was the cousin of play/ground theatre’s Co-Managing Director, Kat Chevalier. This production is dedicated to his memory.”
The Gift of Hope because you never know someone else’s struggle or story.
My sister Jeni came in eyes wide open after she took the kids to a water park. She said as she waded in the pool watching the kids play she struck up a conversation with a woman named Mary Ellen Suey. The woman told her that she was with her grandkids trying to have a decent time because last year, her 12 year old grandson Christopher (aka Bubba) collapsed and died on the first day of try outs for the soccer team. Bubba was an authentic kind and loving boy she said. Jeni could not believe her ears. She hugged Mary Ellen.
She told Mary Ellen Justin’s Story. They exchanged contact information. That night I made arrangements to meet her the next morning. She told me she was looking forward to a hug. she wrote “We may shed a few tears, that shows are love.” The next evening we got together and we talked while her grandson played with my nephew JJ. She told me another deep story that she was abandoned at birth and was left wrapped up in a blanket out in the woods. Miraculously, a 14-year-old boy, who was hunting with his Dad, found her!!! Last year, 60 years later, she was reunited with this now 74-year-old man. He wanted to find and to meet that baby he found in the woods.
Mary Ellen said that she is grateful for the life she has. She said: “If he did not find me, I would not be here today. I would not have the gifts of family or grace from God either. So, I am grateful for all of my blessings, I am grateful for my life and for all of children and I am grateful for the time I had with Bubba because he still rides with me each and every day. She also said to me as we departed– and it is not by coincidences that we met!!”
I wrote a brief entry about my infamous nephew JJ playing with Mary Ellen’s grandson AJ.
The Greatest Gift of All is Love
So the greatest gift of all is why I must write tonight. I just had to celebrate Justin and his birthday and about the things that matter most. You see from all of the above mentioned “gifts” love does shows up in unexpected ways. My love for Justin goes deep. I am especially remembering him from that first days he graced this earth when he was placed in my arms back on September 13, 1996. I will never forget. And you know by a fluke Soledad, my dear friend from high school just happened to be on call at the hospital and she delivered Justin.
Well, you all also know Justin’s little cousins, Mia, Dashton and JJ are growing up fast. I guess they think that it is tradition for them to spend the last week before school with Uncle Darrell and Auntie Susan. This year I heard Dashton shout out when he saw a butterfly… “There goes Juju.” Mia the oldest, still can’t grasp the thought of visiting us without seeing her big cousin (whom she coined the name) Juju, so she just continues to look away and not discuss.
Then, there is “50 questions JJ”— the youngest of the trio who walks in, closes the door to Justin’s room, comes into the breakfast room and out of the blue asks me: “Auntie, How old is Juju?” My sister Jeni and I looked at each other and tried not bursting into tears. I thought to myself—what do I say? How do I answer this? Is he 16 or 19? Well, according to my support sisters, I responded correctly. I told JJ that Juju would be 19 years old on September 13, 2015. JJ then says: “Mom, where is the gift I got for Auntie?” She directs him where to find it. JJ comes running back and hands me a bottle of turquoise finger nail polish, and with his “kool aide smile” he says” “This if for you Auntie.” Jeni looks at me and said: “We were in Target and he told me he wanted to buy you something.” He picked it out—on his own accord.” How did this 5 year old know that turquoise is my color???
What does all of this mean??? I can’t make any of it up!!
So, happy 19th Birthday, Justin aka Juju, Champ my baby, and the greatest gift from God of all times.
Love, Mom
And Still I Rise
Still I Rise by Yolanda Adams.
“Still I Rise”
Shattered but I’m not broken
Woudned the time will heal
Heavy the load the cross I bear
Lonley the road I trod I dare
Shaken but here I stand
Weary still I press on
Long are the nights the tears I cry
Dark are the days no sun in the skys
Yet still I rise
Never to give up
Never to give in
Against all odds
Yet still I rise
High above the clouds
Yet times I feel low
Yet still I rise
Sometimes I’m troubled
But not is despair
Struggling I make my way through
Trials they come to make me strong
I must endure I must hold on
Yet still I rise
Never to give up
Never to give in
Agasint all odds
Yet still I rise
High above the clouds
At times I feel Low
Yet still I rise
Above all my problems
Above all my eyes can see
Knowing God is able
To strengthen me
To strengthen me
Yet still I rise
Never to give up
Never to give in
Against all odds
Yet still I rise
High above the clouds
At times I feel Low
Yet still I
I need to know which way to go
Yet still I
At times I feel Low
Yet still I
I rise
Yet still I rise
Oh yes I do
